From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: stinky gas permeates stinky city Date: Sun, 21 Nov 2004 13:55:05 -0500 [from the Boston Globe, www.boston.com] -> -> Invisible stench cloud perplexes officials -> November 19, 2004 -> -> PHILADELPHIA (AP) -- An olfactory offense sent officials sniffing -> for the source of a stench that wafted across Philadelphia. Dude, Society Hill always smells like 200-year-old horse turds. -> A mysterious invisible cloud carried an odor that left sour faces -> and perplexed officials in its wake Thursday. On the other hand, if it had been a highly visible stench cloud, it wouldn't have been a tenth as scary, no? -> Emergency dispatchers began receiving the first of hundreds of 911 -> calls about the strong smell shortly past 2 p.m., first from the -> southern tip of South Philadelphia, then further north as the -> scent drifted on the wind. -> -> Transit officials, fearful of a gas leak, evacuated a subway line -> in South Philadelphia for about 45 minutes. -> -> Some people said it smelled like propane. Others said it smelled -> more like sulfur. ...as if most people have any clue what sulfur actually smells like. Hey, remember the list of ingredients for my hair conditioner? The list I posted two days ago? The list which contained "sulfur"? Now I know -- sulfur smells like coconut! -> Authorities collected air samples, phoned nearby refineries and -> checked the pressure of natural gas lines, trying to determine if -> there had been an industrial mishap. Or perhaps an industrial boo-boo, or the dreaded industrial oops. -> "We don't know what it is. But we've gathered enough samples to -> know that it's not toxic. It's just offensive," said mayoral -> spokeswoman Barbara Grant. I can't wait for them to put these samples on display over at the Mutter Museum right next to all those two-headed baby skeletons and The World's Largest Human Colon (and no, it's not Geraldo Rivera.) -> A police spokesman said authorities were checking out theories -> that the odor came from dust released as a substance was -> transferred between two train cars, or that it may have originated -> at a refinery in Paulsboro, N.J.Ê New bumper sticker: "New Jersey -- where smells are born." -- K. Never mind how it smelled, what sound did the cloud make? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: unfortunate snack food name Date: Sun, 21 Nov 2004 14:05:01 -0500 [regarding Cherry Blasters] Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > There is a layer of waxy, semi-opaque white frosting applied to one > > face of each Cherry Blaster. Oddly, the cake had nearly disintegrated > > in the mail but the indestructible frosting was still intact. > > I was disappointed to get them out of the machine and find that that > layer was only on the top and not surrounding the entire donut. If it > had gone all the way around, it might even have prevented them from being > flattened. It might have also prevented them from being digested. On the other hand, I accidentally swallowed a whole jelly bean last night. So I could try swallowing a whole plastic-coated mini-doughnut and see if it comes out with that jelly bean lodged in the hole. > > They tasted like preservative-filled snack cakes with a little extra > > citric acid. > > No phosphate, even? I've been ripped off! Every fake cherry product is > supposed to taste like the "window cleaner" they warn you about in > chemical safety class! All I remember about chemical safety class is that everything was a "gateway chemical" which would lead you to drinking the hard stuff -- bleach, lye, or hot sauce. > > I ate 3/4 of one and then my stomach started hurting in the same way > > it does when I attempt to eat Trix, Froot Loops, Skittles, etc. > > They must have been even worse than I guessed, for you to withhold so > maliciously the essential result of this experiment: how apt the name > "Blasters" was. Was the pain in your stomach at least 3/8 of a blast? No, it was more of a dull, boring, steady ache and not exciting momentary pain. It didn't even reach the level of red pain, let alone white pain. > I have since eaten one of the Cloverhill Bakery Big Texas Cinnamon Rolls > from the vending machine, microwaved, and it was quite good and full of > real cinnamon. It was also covered with semi-opaque white sugary stuff, > but only about one-tenth as thick as that on the Cherry Blasters. Yeah, those Texans with their frosting-covered cinnamon buns prancing around. Texas is a sissy state, if you ask me. I mean, "Pee-wee's Big Adventure" was filmed there! Now, Massachusetts, that's a manly state, what with Teddy Kennedy getting drunk without pants and all that heavy machinery pulling up buildings to make the Big Dig and of course Provincetown, where no girls are allowed. -- K. Sometime I should visit Provincetown. To get there from Boston, you just need to ride a f-e-r-r-y. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Beer. Washington. Hilton. Date: Sun, 21 Nov 2004 14:26:22 -0500 John D Salt (jdsalt_AT_gotadsl.co.uk) wrote: > > Come on, there MUST be more kibologers within drinking distance > of Washington DC who can attend an impromptu ARKPLE at Teh Hilton > some time between the 5th and 8th of December. > > The name of the hotel's got a pathetic giant H in it and > EVERYTHING. > > Or do you all secretly hate me? Sadly, I already have something on my calendar for those dates. But in order to not disappoint you, I'll just play along and say, yes, I secretly hate you. -- K. Ssh! It's a secret! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Welcome to Lake Barf, in a self-referential article which mentions Magnus Scheving for no reason whatsoever, but then makes up a silly reason Date: Sun, 21 Nov 2004 15:12:58 -0500 [from The New York Times, www.nytimes.com] -> -> What's the Name of That Lake? It's Hard to Say -> -> By PAM BELLUCK -> November 20, 2004 -> -> LAKE CHARGOGGAGOGGMANCHAUGGAGOGGCHAUBUNAGUNGAMAUGG, Mass. -- -> It is spelled just the way it sounds. ...by simply vomiting onto a keyboard. Hey, wait, I think I recognize that DNA sequence. Is it a nematode? -> Unless you spell it differently, like in the sign put up by the -> chamber of commerce at the southern end of town, which has an O -> for one of the U's and an H for one of the N's. I'll sell them a "U" for 10% less than Pat Sajak's evil prices. -> Or the postcards at Waterfront Mary's, the lake's best-known -> restaurant, which have smuggled an extra "gaug" into the name. They'd never be able to get away with that here in Gaugboston. Or would it be Bogaugston? Hmm. What other place names _could_ you sneak an extra "gaug" into? I'm going to start digging Lake Gauggauggaugandmoregaug just to make that possible. -> Even for the locals, this sprawling central Massachusetts -> lake with the even more sprawling name, Lake -> Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg -- the longest -> place name in the country -- is not for the tied of tongue. What about people who have tongue piercings? And what about people who have their tongue piercings tied to, say, a Bumble Ball? -> Gone are the years when Ethel Merman and Ray Bolger made it a name -> you could dance to in a tune called "The Lake Song": -> -> Oh, we took a walk one evening and we sat down on a log -> -> By Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg. -> -> There, we told love's old sweet story and we listened to a frog -> -> In Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg. I always get Ethel Merman confused with Shelly Winters, and Ray Bolger confused with Bert Lahr, so if Ethel Merman married Ray Bolger, would I confuse their son with Charles Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg or with Potsie from "Happy Days"? [I took out several hyphens from those lyrics, since the newspaper has columns only a third as wide as the name of Lake Upchuck.] -> Or the time, in 1949, when the state, on a lexicographical mercy -> mission, wanted to remove two of the lake's 15 G's, prompting a -> poet named Bertha A. Joslin to write "Touch not a G of our big -> lake!" followed by 55 lines of iambic tetrameter like: -> -> Now puffed up with our pride were we -> -> As if a pedestal ascending -> -> We basked in fame of such a name -> -> With all its g's unending Maybe they should rename the lake to have the entire awful poem _be_ the name of the lake. It would be self-referentially stupid, the best type of stupid there is. This sentence wishes it were that stupid. This sentence calls that sentence merely silly and gives it a wedgie. This sentence apologizes for the following sentence, which is not even a sentence: Gaug gaug gaug splat! -> These days, as often as not, lots of people here call the lake -> Webster, after the infinitely more prosaic name of the town that -> encompasses it. -> -> "I can't spell it, but that's off the record," said Bob Craver, -> the 52-year-old town clerk of Webster, whose family has owned -> homes on the lake for generations and who rows each morning, even -> in blizzards. -> -> Jane Hill, vice president of the Webster Lake Association, a -> recently formed group of some 400 lake homeowners, rankled some -> folks by spelling the C-word on the club's logo, T-shirts and -> jackets with 49 letters -- instead of 45. -> -> "I've tried a few different spellings and every time, someone -> tells me I spell it wrong," Ms. Hill said. "So now I just have the -> official Jane Hill spelling." -> -> There is more consensus on the meaning of -> Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, but it turns out -> the consensus is wrong. Rule #1 of life in these United States: If you ever get a consensus, it's wrong. If it's not important enough to disagree about, it sucks! -> In the 1920's, a reporter for The Webster Times, Lawrence J. Daly, -> wrote that it was a Nipmuck Indian word meaning "You fish on your side, -> I fish on my side and nobody fishes in the middle." That stuck even -> though Mr. Daly confessed repeatedly that he had made the whole thing up. Especially the second sentence, which explains whose side is on the bottom. -> The real meaning, said Paul Macek, a historian in Webster, a -> community of about 17,000 just northwest of where Connecticut, -> Rhode Island and Massachusetts intersect, is "English knifemen and -> Nipmuck Indians at the boundary or neutral fishing place." -> -> But today, a boat ride across the slate blue water makes one thing -> clear: this is no longer your English knifeman's Lake -> Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg. Knifeman... knifeman... hmm. I wonder how a knifeman would dress. A suit of armor with pointy things all over? Maybe I should be a knifeman so I can go visit the lake without being confused with Jules Bourglay. You know, I've always wanted to invent a gas that would cause people to confuse Jules Bourglay with Magnus Scheving, just because I need to be the first one find a way to mention Jules Bourglay and Magnus Scheving in the same sentence. YAY THAT SENTENCE WAS SUFFICIENTLY SELF-REFERENTIAL AND STUPID! -> [...] -> -> Still, not everything is changing. Everyone knows a Webster Lake -> will never have the je ne sais quoi (or the je ne peux pas le -> prononcer) of a Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg. -> -> "There's some things in life that ought to be able to live in -> exaggeration," Mr. Cazeault said. I've said that A MILLION TIMES! -> There is even talk here of trying to get into the Guinness Book of -> World Records, but there is no category yet for longest lake name, -> said Sam Knights, a spokesman for Guinness World Records. Is there a category for World's Smallest Lake? If so, then I have the winner in both categories right here in the form of WetLittlePuddleAtTheBottomOfMyBathtubWhichIReallyShouldCleanBecause- There'sARingAroundTheBathtubHighAboveThisPatheticLittleLakeAndAlso- ThisWimpyLittleLakeHasANameMoreThanAMillionTimesLongerThan- LakeChargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamauggWhichProbably- Doesn'tEvenReallyExistOhAndAlsoLet'sThrowInSomeWelshDoubleL's- IntoThisNameRememberHowDougLlewellynUsedToBeTheAnnouncerOnThePeople'sCourt- TakeThatLlanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-Llantysiliogogogoch- IWinIWinIWin!!! -> There is a longest place name and, alas, it is someplace else. The -> honor goes to what the Guinness people call the "most scholarly -> transliteration" of the official name for Bangkok: -> krungthephphramahanakhon bowonratanakosin mahintharayuthaya -> mahadilokphiphobnovpharad radchataniburirom udomsantisug. Eh, I've seen bathroom graffiti longer than that. -> Now that would have made a catchy Ethel Merman song. The movie "Ethel Does Bangkok", the first porn movie people ever paid not to see. -- K. You know, "Monty Python's Flying Circus" really wasn't that hard to write for. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Crazy paternity goings-on in Quebeckistan. Date: Tue, 23 Nov 2004 04:45:38 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,,1357216,00.html > > -> A woman in Quebec claims she had sex with two men at about > -> the same time. She became pregnant and gave birth to a boy. > -> One of the men claims he's the father and has gone to court > -> to try to get legal access to the boy. But how does he prove > -> paternity? I see you look puzzled. Surely, since the > -> invention of DNA testing, nothing is easier than proving > -> parentage. > > That's what you'd think, but wait--- > > -> Well, not quite. The two men in question are identical twins > -> so their DNA is the same. > > Bah-doom-pah! Uh-oh. It used to be that David Cronenberg just filmed his movies in Canada, but now he's made so many of them that they've started to come true. Crab-shaped gynecological instruments may be involved here. Worst of all, one of them might get stuck in James Woods's vagina, and then Patrick McGoohan will insist his name is "Sue Johansen" right before his head explodes and Roy Scheider comes out. > -> The judge will have to use other methods. But what? Only one > -> of the twins wants to be the father, but that doesn't mean > -> he is. The mother doesn't know. Nor will the child. > > Suggestions on a postcard, please. What would Solomon do? Well, if he were in a Cronenberg film, he'd grow a penis in his armpit and a vagina in his belly button and a big pulsing anus in his typewriter. But that's not important right now. To find out about the Cronenberg version of Solomon, we'll have to wait for Cronenberg to film a Bible movie. It would be like Mel Gibson's, except Jesus would be spewing blood from several extra orifices. Also he'd die in an erotic car wreck. -- K. Note the restraint I have showed in making references to both Roy Scheider and J.G. Ballard without saying something about Ballard explaining that NBC's "seaQuest" wasn't a true story except for the part about Roy Scheider being a woman. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Crazy paternity goings-on in Quebeckistan. Date: Tue, 23 Nov 2004 13:52:52 -0500 [concerning an identical-twin paternity issue] madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > -> The judge will have to use other methods. But what? Only one > -> of the twins wants to be the father, but that doesn't mean > -> he is. The mother doesn't know. Nor will the child. > > It's bloody simple it'd be the ungay one. Dude, this is in Quebec. "Gay-or-straight" tests don't work on people who speak French, play hockey, and eat poutine. I think the real story here is, why are they even bothering to do the tests if one of the guys wants to be the father and the other doesn't? Presumably this means the woman prefers the company of the one who doesn't want to take responsibility. -- K. "This is my ifleray and this is my ungay..." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Bees in the news Date: Tue, 23 Nov 2004 14:43:31 -0500 [www.courttv.com] -> -> Honeybees help thief escape -> -> SEDALIA, Mo. -- A suspected shoplifter used honeybees to extricate -> himself from a sticky situation. -> -> K-mart store security workers followed the shoplifting suspect -> into a bathroom. When they opened the door, they were buzzed by -> about 100 bees. -> -> "He probably started yelling 'Bees! Bees,' then created this big -> diversion and got away," said Commander John DeGonia, of the -> Sedalia Police Department. "He must have walked into the store -> with them in a jar or a container." -> -> Store employees used bug spray to contain the bees and nobody was -> injured. The thief got away with about $60 worth of CDs, perfume, -> batteries and a pair of scissors, DeGonia said. But which CDs did he steal? This is important. We need to know what sort of music is enjoyed by people who consort with bees in the restroom. Also, the fact that it involved needing a pair of scissors suggests this might be a Henry Kuttner story that will get made into a classic "Twilight Zone" episode, unless Rod Serling dies because his slippery shoes make him get killed. (Kuttner & Moore's "What You Need" was also filmed as an episode of "Tales Of Tomorrow", which was a more exciting series if you have a fetish for black gloves with springs glued to them.) -- K. "It's not a fetish, it's a hobby!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Professional Advice: Set A Career Goal Everyday Date: Tue, 23 Nov 2004 21:04:08 -0500 John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > I gotta say, I don't really get this whole "Terri is scary" thingy. I > > told the Big Guy that I was scary, and oh, how he laughed and laughed. > > Was it the hysterical, high pitched kind of laughter that generally > precedes bursting into tears and begging for your life? Oh man, if I > had a dollar for every time I heard THAT at work. You mean you've been giving _freebies_ over at the local House Of Domination? That's so wrong! (The nine billion and threeth Rule Of Acquisition clearly states: There ain't no such thing as free speech, therefore there is no such thing as free screaming.) -- K. If you want to know the other nine billion and two Rules Of Acquisition, it'll cost you. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Zapping unruly kids. Date: Wed, 24 Nov 2004 13:35:33 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > http://www.freep.com/news/locway/taser20e_20041120.htm > -> > -> Police in Lincoln Park had to use a Taser gun -- twice -- to > -> subdue a kicking and screaming 14-year-old boy who wouldn't > -> stop playing his Nintendo Game Boy during class. That's the interesting thing about Tasers. You pretty much always see them being used two or three times, because of the way they're programmed. A shock can be given (if memory serves) up to five times once the darts have been shot into the person, but the shocks start out short, so the first time you pull the trigger it only zaps for five seconds, then when you pull the trigger again it zaps for ten, etc., up to thirty seconds. So on "Cops", what you see in the episodes where drunks get Tasered is that the cop yells "You better shut up or we'll Taser you!" then they zap the guy for five seconds and yell "Now you better shut up or we'll Taser you again!" but now the guy is screaming more because he's just been tortured. The Taser shock itself is no good at making people quiet and docile, it's the _threat_ of using the torture device that does that, and that only works if the person is already calm and rational enough to not need subduing. This is why stun guns always produce the big showy arc when you test-fire them into the air -- actually shocking someone is not necessarily as effective as threatening to use the thing. The main reasons police departments like to equip their guys with Tasers and not plain old stun guns are that Tasers cost twenty times as much (and therefore they _must_ be good, no?) and the police models of Tasers scatter little clouds of serial-numbered confetti when they fire (as well as recording the date of firing) for use in the inevitable unnecessary-force-resulting-in-wrongful-death lawsuits. I suspect there's also something about the way using a Taser on someone makes them more likely to need to be further subdued, too -- I know enough about cops to know that a lot of them enjoy giving suspects the opportunity to flail their arms out of control so that a beatdown can ensue. Some cops like to provoke escalation. The British Columbia task force report on whether or not their police should be issued Tasers included the following sentence: => Stun systems affect only the sensory nervous system in that => they work on pain compliance. I think "I'm gonna work on your pain compliance!" is the hot new catchphrase of the week. -- K. Pepper spray is better any day, especially if you need to subdue a mild taco. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Zapping unruly kids. Date: Wed, 24 Nov 2004 13:54:09 -0500 Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > David F. Dembinski (David F. Dembinski) wrote: > > > > Yes, please. > > > > Ya can't whack em no more, but ya sure as Hell can send 50,000 volts > > coursing through their darling little bodies! > > Teachers can't whack 'em, but the po-lice can zap 'em! In fact, the kids zap each other if you give them half a chance. Know how kids like to scuff their sneakers on the rug and then sneak up behind someone and spark them? That can be thousands of volts. (Not 50,000, but still thousands. About 3,000 according to some sources. That's about a one-millimeter-long spark.) So I say give the kids special child-size stun guns that only work on other kids. And when one of them gets unruly, all the others will gleefully shock them into enuresis. But how to protect the teacher from the kids' stun guns? Simple: Black rubber. Hey, kids love Batman and Catwoman. So I say that all teachers in our public school system should be dressed like one or the other. The principal could be Darth Vader. -- K. And I could be the principal. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Zapping unruly kids. Date: Thu, 25 Nov 2004 01:40:00 -0500 David Sewell (dsewell@virginia.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In fact, the kids zap each other if you give them half a chance. > > The ending of Max Apple's story "The Oranging of America" is, if I > remember it after quite a few years, a rewriting of the apocalyptic > electric-fence finale of Mark Twain's "Connecticut Yankee" that has > Howard Johnson try to electrocute a mob, but the plot doesn't work > because once people get shocked they discover it's fun and they go back > for more, and more, and more... While Kubrick's "A Clockwork Orange" is one of my favorite movies and Vonnegut's "Harrison Bergeron" is one of my favorite short stories, I am unfamiliar with the Apple/Orange smashup of the two you describe. So I shall order it from Amazon. Uh oh, Amazon would rather have me order a big expensive defibrillator instead. This is because either they'd rather make a lot more money, or because they want me to give myself electric shocks. Too late, I did that earlier today to make the big invisible swirly 3-D snake who lives in the right side of my brain go away. I considered naming him, but today he had two heads so now I'm not sure whether one name or two is necessary. What were we talking about, again? Oh, yeah, chocolate-chip cookies. Yum! > Hey, it's not just Murcans who are this perverse. A couple thousand > years ago some natives of the West Indies bit into little red Capsicum > annuum seeds and decided that once their tongues stopped burning it made > sense to do it again, and as a matter of fact why not toss a bunch of > those seeds into everything we cook? The humble origins of chile > cultivation. Oh, everything sounds perverse if you call it by its Latin name. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go out and look at Aldeberan. > (Which leads to the conclusion that the first person to start a chain of > Thai restaurants surrounded by live electric fences will make a whole > lot of money.) Why? You could just touch the fence for free. If you want really good Thai food that's so painfully delicious that it makes the colors of things around you change, there's a really nice one in Bridgewater down the road from where they filmed "Titicut Follies". -- K. I still want a bootleg of that film. No, I _need_ a bootleg of that film. It would make a great double feature with "A Clockwork Orange". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Zapping unruly kids. Date: Wed, 24 Nov 2004 22:58:05 -0500 [on Tasering disorderly teenagers in school] Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman+usenet@gmail.com) wrote: > > Adam Funk (a24061@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Teachers can't whack 'em, but the po-lice can zap 'em! > > well, DUH, we live in a POLICE state, not a TEACHER state. I live in a police Commonwealth, not a police state. Massachusetts still hasn't qualified for statehood, despite that the legislature has finally started thinking about trying to repeal that 1675 law that forbids anyone to be an Indian within Boston city limits. (I guess that's why I can't get good curry here.) > I'm not sure what it would even be like under an oppressive government > where any random person on any corner may be a secret educator, aiming to > educate YOU. It's easy enough to find out what that would be like -- I'll teach you. -- K. Unless you're an Indian. In that case, I'll just have to give you a sword upside the head, like the Massachusetts seal depicts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Be subtle! Date: Wed, 24 Nov 2004 20:54:33 -0500 [on teachers instilling terror into their students] Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > Back in the bad old days, I had a science teacher who would actually use > a cattle prod to wake up sleepers in his class. It is alledged that the > prod met it's demise in a sinkful of water when he wasn't looking one day. If it was a real cattle prod, I can imagine lawsuits aplenty over the emotional trauma. Them things HURT! (After all, they're designed to motivate thousand-pound animals with leather skin, so you can imagine what overkill they are on smaller, tenderer critters like sleepy students.) Can you describe the cattle prod for our amusement? (What color was the case? What color was the shaft, if any? Was it silent, or did it beep or buzz?) Details like this are important in case alt.religion.kibology ever becomes one of those TV shows that has to flash the words "DRAMATIC RE-ENACTMENT" every time we stage a melodramatic re-enactment of one of your articles. > He went on to perfect his skills in shooting a 12-inch piece of surgical > tubing at offending students. The first day I attended one of his > classes, he said: "This is why you don't want to talk or fall asleep in > my class." > > He then proceded to stretch the tubing across his back, and from across > the room hit the light switch dead center. For added effect, it turned > the light off. We were impressed and slightly concerned for our safety. What a bozo! He should've used the rubber tubing to tie your ankles together and then cattle-prodded you until the cows came home! That's the only way to teach kids all about protozoa or whatever! > Fortunately, he was one of the greatest teachers I've ever had, so > falling asleep was not even considered. Prove it. Tell us everything you learned. You have fifteen seconds to recap a year of science or the shocks begin. -- K. If he's still teaching, does he have a Taser now? "Because electric prods only produce a mild shock, if a person was shocked with a prod it would feel somewhat like a bee sting." -- Hot-Shot Products Co. Inc. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Be subtle! Date: Wed, 24 Nov 2004 21:25:31 -0500 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > > > [...] I had a science teacher who would actually use > > > a cattle prod to wake up sleepers in his class. [...] > > > > > > Fortunately, he was one of the greatest teachers I've ever had, so > > > falling asleep was not even considered. > > > > Prove it. Tell us everything you learned. You have fifteen seconds > > to recap a year of science or the shocks begin. > > The word in the halls was that he had worked researching LSD before it went > all illegal. He was said to have his notes in a safe in his office (stoney > hippies rarely let a little thing like common sense interfere with a wacked > out rumor). We spent much time researching hydrolyzation of Lysergic Acid > Amides. One day we once told him of our research, and he was surprised we > found out as much as we had. > > The two guys that successfully completed their research (more or less) went > on to become mumbling door mats. Groovy! Did they get some sort of special award at your last class reunion? ("Most Doormat-Like"?) But note that I asked you to describe the cattle prod, and you haven't. Now I won't be able to tell you where to buy the same model so you can hunt this bastard down and make him tell you the _truth_ about science (not just what's in the textbook, but what those protozoa _really_ do.) Did he have the classic red Hot-Shot Sabre Six, the kind that buzzes like an electric toothrush? Amnesty International has been grinding their teeth about those for decades. -- K. Red is the color of learning! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: standard Thanksgiving newspaper stuffing article (quantity, one) Date: Thu, 25 Nov 2004 22:04:54 -0500 [www.reviewjournal.com] -> -> Butterball's home economists learn who the real turkeys are around -> Thanksgiving -> -> By Heidi Knapp Rinella -> Review-Journal -> -> The woman whose Chihuahua got stuck in the cavity of her uncooked -> turkey will live on in infamy at the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. -> -> "We really did get that call," said Carol Miller, a home economist -> and supervisor at the talk line. "It sounds almost fabricated. -> I've sat next to the woman who took that call and she swears it's true." And why would someone who gets paid to tell people which brand of food to buy lie? -> The story goes like this: The caller had the turkey on her kitchen -> counter. Somehow, the little dog got up on the counter, crawled -> into the turkey and got stuck. She couldn't get him out and called -> the talk line in a panic. -> -> "I guess he was investigating -- you know little creatures," -> Miller said. "We've had kitties who did that. The little fella got -> in and couldn't get out." -> -> The woman tried grabbing. She tried shaking. Then she tried -> calling. The home economist told her to make a few snips here and -> there around the turkey's cavity, and -- voila'! Fido was free. -> -> "That one always piques everyone's interest," Miller said. I would've handled that call differently. "Ma'am, I'm going to attempt to talk your ratdog out of the turkey. Remain calm and shove the phone into the turkey, then leave the room so I can talk to your dog in private." -> But it's not, by a long shot, the only funny story to come from -> talk-line callers. What turkeys we mortals be, and Butterball's -> home economists know it. -> -> "We've had quite a few over the years," Miller said. "People are -> great, but sometimes they just kind of get mixed up with the -> terminology when they talk to us. They will call giblets `goblets' -> and things like that." -> -> "Some people are a little bit clueless about cooking," she said. -> "They want to do this traditional Thanksgiving meal the way Mom -> did it, but they don't do any cooking throughout the year. They'll -> say, `Your directions say to roast the turkey, but my oven says -> only bake or broil; how do I set it?' " Stupid! Everyone knows you don't roast a turkey in an oven! You roast a turkey in the living room fireplace! -> Last year, Miller said, a son called to say he and his father were -> cleaning out the family freezer. -> -> "They found a turkey from 1969," Miller said. "The dad wanted to -> give it a go and cook the turkey and see what it was like, and the -> son didn't think that was a good idea." -> -> Theoretically, Miller said, as long as the turkey had remained -> frozen the entire time, it was safe from bacteria. -> -> "But I think it would be a little tough, don't you?" Miller asked. -> -> That was rhetorical. And just imagine the odor of the juice that came out when it was defrosted. -> And, she added, "in the same freezer, they had snowballs from -> every snowstorm that had ever occurred in Alabama." -> -> Miller said they've been asked if one of the turkey's legs is dark -> meat and the other white. -> -> "I think that would be a good idea, but I don't think God made it -> that way," she said. That's 'cause God is a racist! -> Other people call about problems that stem from a lack of storage -> space. A woman in Colorado had dug an igloo for her turkey in her -> back yard and wanted to know if that was OK. Another caller put a -> turkey on the back porch to thaw. -> -> "Unfortunately, on Thanksgiving morning, they found the raccoons -> had had an early Thanksgiving feast," she said. "Thank goodness -> for fresh turkeys" -- and stores that are open on Thanksgiving -> morning. And that person ought to be really glad I didn't take that call. It would go something like "SO WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WASTING MY TIME CALLING ME ABOUT HOW TO COOK THE TURKEY YOU DON'T HAVE? GO BUY ANOTHER F'ING TURKEY, TURKEY!" -> This is the talk line's 19th year; Miller's been on staff 16 -> years. Sometimes, she said, callers have tips as well as questions -- -> such as the woman who called to say that when transporting a turkey -> on the front seat of a car one should be sure to belt it in, -> because hers had slid off after a quick stop and broken her toe. -> -> Then there was the new father who suggested putting a baby diaper -> on the turkey to hold the basting liquid and help brown the skin. -> -> "He was going to give us turkey experts a little tip," Miller said. It'll be the best diaper gravy you've ever tasted! -> Most turkey traumas, Miller said, occur on Thanksgiving Day. The -> entire staff of 48 home economists is on duty that day to handle -> the 7,000 to 8,000 calls the talk line will receive, of an average -> total of 170,000 during the holiday season. -> -> One of the most common questions, Miller said, involves the -> giblets; plenty of people forget to take them out, roast the -> turkey with the giblets in the cavity and then wonder if that's a -> problem. In the case of Butterball turkeys, she said, the giblet -> bag is designed so that it can be safely cooked inside the turkey. -> She suggests surreptitiously removing the bag during carving. www.fsis.usda.gov has other important information about giblets: => In whole ready to cook poultry, giblets are located in a bag => in the abdominal cavity. They will not be from the original bird. "They will not be from the original bird" is in boldface because this is the most important thing to learn this Thanksgiving -- YOU'RE EATING THE WRONG BIRD'S VISCERA! OH MY GOD MAYBE THEY'RE BIG BIRD'S! -> Also, she said, "people have a tendency to leave things in the -> turkey." Some, she said, are squeamish about reaching into the -> cavity and use a rubber glove or rag, which they somehow forget to -> remove. Dave Thomas says to always use a vinyl glove because Crisco dissolves latex. But I never get to see the rest of that cooking show because the Soviets always interrupt the SCTV broadcast at that point. -> Occasionally, she said, a cook will lose an acrylic nail -> in a turkey; the talk line will tell them to call the local -> poison-control center, or "throw the stuffing out and get some -> Stove Top or something like that," Miller said. ...as if there aren't stamped-out shards of plastic in Stove Top. (What, you thought those were onions?) -> And then, she said, there are those men who think a romantic way -> to propose would be to stuff the diamond ring inside the turkey. -> -> "A toothless bride? I'm not sure that's a good idea," Miller said. -> "Maybe tying it on a drumstick or something is a better idea." But that could never be as romantic as shoving the ring up a dead animal's ass! -> One of the most fun aspects of working the talk line, she said, is -> that the home economists often get a picture of what's going on in -> America's homes. -> -> "There are tons of stories," she said. -> -> Such as the woman who called to find out how to tell if her turkey -> was done. -> -> "She proceeded to tell our home economist that she had gotten mad -> at her boyfriend, had thrown all his stuff out and called a -> locksmith to have her locks changed, " Miller said. -> -> "And was having Thanksgiving dinner with the locksmith." Hey, can I make a camo in this story? They call me Hacksaw. -- K. ...and can I have your skin? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A new reason to hate other people's cell phones: Stinktones. Date: Thu, 25 Nov 2004 22:25:17 -0500 [www.ettoday.com] -> -> New cell phone ornaments coming in from Japan -> -> Have you ever heard of a cell phone that gives off a scent when it -> rings? Recently, cell phones featuring a number of very novel -> functions are available from Japan. When your cell phone rings, a -> scent can be given off, and you can choose from a variety of -> different scents, like lemon, peach or even ramen noodles and -> curry! There's range of other new features, too. And while they may -> be small, they're sure not cheap -- prices can go as high a US$10. I heartily endorse the idea of cell phones that smell like delicious curry. Of course, in the building where I live, nobody would notice. -> Just tie this little ornament onto to your cell phone, and it will -> change the way it smells. This is already something of a fad in -> Japan, and now it's reached Taiwan. -> -> As soon as your cell phone rings, the little ornament emits a -> nice, fruity scent. You can choose from a variety of optional -> smells. Sometimes, just getting a whiff of the scent is enough to -> make you hungry. And if that's not enough, there are ornaments -> that are made look like the mini version of snack packs. Let's -> hope that just looking at these mini versions is enough to make -> you full! I predict that soon we will be seeing people yelling into their cell phones, "HEY HONEY GUESS WHERE I AM AND GUESS WHAT IT SMELLS LIKE!" -> But there are much cuter ones -- little figures that look like -> they're about to go to the bathroom -- and with a slight pull, -> it's revealed that they just couldn't hold it! Buh... wuh? Pull on _what_? And are they saying people are actually paying to have their phones whiz on them? Does the whiz come in different colors and scents, such as warm yellow curry? -> Others look like a hatched egg, and others like fishes that move. -> Not only are many of these ornaments filled with innovative designs, -> but it's also something that's taken Japan by storm, and is -> spreading to other parts of Asia. -> -> She said, "I think girls would buy it, but guys would just look, -> well it would probably be girls buying it for guys." Oh, you could say that about anything stupid. -> He said, "Guys won't choose these girly looking ones, but they -> might choose something that looks high tech." ...like a robot taking a whiz? -> These ornaments are really something to see, but they do cost -> about 5 times what the normal type of ornaments cost. Priced at -> least at NT$300, design and innovativeness doesn't come cheap. I won't buy one, because I don't have three hundred Neutron Dollars. -- K. (Cue Chris Miller's story about phone sex taken literally) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: signs Date: Fri, 26 Nov 2004 19:11:01 -0500 leo sgouros (hpappas7@comcast.net) wrote: > > Ok I am driving down 50 by the little Bowie airport and there are signs > saying LOW FLYING AIRCRAFT. > What am I supposed to do with this information, look for crashes? Flag one > down? Crouch down in my car seat? They want you to stop firing your rifle into the air, hillbilly. -- K. Did they name the airport after him because of his music, or his performance in "The Man Who Fell To Earth"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: There should be more news stories that make everyone in the world scream "BULLSHIT!" Date: Sat, 27 Nov 2004 03:45:51 -0500 [www.newscientist.com] -> -> Sleepwalking woman had sex with strangers -> -> 15:46 15 October 04 -> NewScientist.com news service -> -> Sleep medicine experts have successfully treated a rare case of a -> woman having sex with strangers while sleepwalking. -> -> The behaviour had disrupted the lives of the woman and her -> partner. At night while asleep, the middle-aged sleepwalker -- who -> lives in Australia and cannot be identified for reasons of -> confidentiality -- left her house and had sexual intercourse with -> strangers. The behaviour continued for several months and the -> woman had no memory of her nocturnal activities. -> -> Circumstantial evidence, such as condoms found scattered around -> the house, alerted the couple to the problem. On one occasion, her -> partner awoke to find her missing, went searching for her and -> found her engaged in the sex act. -> -> "Incredulity is the leading player in cases like this," says Peter -> Buchanan, the sleep physician at the Woolcock Institute of Medical -> Research in Sydney, who handled the case. But a combination of -> factors convinced him that the case was a real sleepwalking -> phenomenon, including the distress of the couple, and an in-depth -> clinical evaluation. Yes, sleepwalking is the only possible explanation for why a woman would go have sex with people and then not tell her husband. The only other explanation could be that she was abducted by aliens, but they never use condoms. Only sleepwalking slutty women go to the drugstore and buy condoms before phoning strangers to come over and have sex. -> Sleep talking -> -> During that evaluation, the patient was assessed by psychiatrists, -> and checked for physical problems such as brain tumours, which may -> cause unusual behaviour. Neither of those examinations could find -> a cause. -> -> However, she was found to have a history of talking in her sleep -> as a teenager and when monitored in the sleep laboratory, she was -> found to have a higher number of arousals from deep sleep than is -> usual. Both of these factors might indicate a susceptibility to -> abnormal sleep behaviour. -> -> However, Roger Allen, a sleep specialist in private practice in -> Brisbane is sceptical. "Sex is a primal behaviour so it's not -> impossible -- men have erections in their sleep after all -- Hey, Dr. Genius, I defy you to name one time when men _don't_ randomly have erections. -> but this case involved such complex behaviour it seems less likely." -> He also points out that eliminating psychiatric conditions as a -> cause of the behaviour would be difficult. -> -> Sleep driving -> -> But there are some extraordinary cases of sleep walkers leaving -> their homes, driving cars, or engaging in behaviours that they -> would not usually. In 1987, Ken Parks, drove 23 kilometres from -> his home in Pickering, Ontario, to his in-laws house, where he -> strangled his father-in-law unconscious, and stabbed his -> mother-in-law to death. He was acquitted of murder because he was -> sleepwalking at the time. If I were the judge, I would have sent him to jail anyway because obviously he wouldn't remember the verdict when he woke up. -> "People in a state of automatism don't have access to their full -> range of beliefs and desires, so it seems justifiable to excuse -> them," says Neil Levy of the Centre for Applied Philosophy and -> Public Ethics at the University of Melbourne. -> -> Sleepwalking is often triggered by stress, and this may have been -> the case with the Sydney woman, says Buchanan. She stopped her -> night-time excursions after psychiatric counselling. Drugs such as -> benzodiazepines, which are sometimes used to treat sleep walkers, -> were not necessary. -> -> Any type of sleepwalking is rare. It occurs in around 3% of -> children and young adolescents, and about 0.5% of adults. Usually -> it involves little more than walking around in a fairly purposeful -> way while asleep, although sleepwalkers may lash out if awoken. Still, 0.5% is far higher than the incidence of married people who lie about having affairs. Scientists cannot prove that even one person has had recreational sex! (That's what makes them scientists!) -> The results were presented at a sleep conference in Sydney on -> Friday. -> -> Rachel Nowak, Melbourne Hi, Rachel. I am writing these comments while I am asleep. Also I am having sex with several beautiful movie stars, including that chick from that James Bond movie, and also one of the James Bonds, and not the one with the cat-hair toupee. -- K. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: There should be more news stories that make everyone in the world scream "BULLSHIT!" Date: Tue, 30 Nov 2004 14:33:06 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > I know this guy who got dead-drunk at someone's house and pissed on the > > dude's parents stereo system. They told him they were going to give him a > > ride home and drove him to the edge of a town twenty miles away and threw > > him in a ditch. He woke up in jail. > > I just LOVE these Christmas specials sponsored by Hallmark! Kevin, if you ever want us to respect you, you might want to consider butching it up a little. -- K. It's okay to piss on a stereo system, but only when "Jingle Bell Rock" is playing. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Bob Hope's been dead about a year and a half, so... Date: Sat, 27 Nov 2004 17:03:05 -0500 I miss openly calling for the natural death of Bob Hope during all those years when it was time for him to go. Do you guys like Pat Sajak? -- K. Arthur C. Clarke? Gary Coleman? Johnny Hart? Cher? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bob Hope's been dead about a year and a half, so... Date: Tue, 30 Nov 2004 14:28:57 -0500 Greg Neill (gneillREM@OVE.THIS.netcom.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I miss openly calling for the natural death of Bob Hope during all > > those years when it was time for him to go. > > Perhaps, then, it's time to call for his supernatural death, too. Yesssssss! That would be most... eeeeeevil. LET'S DO IT. We could zombify his corpse so that we could kill him over and over. I call dibs on putting a stake through his heart -- one of you guys can have Bob Hope's crotch. -- K. Don't you hate it when your dashes line up? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bob Hope's been dead about a year and a half, so... Date: Tue, 30 Nov 2004 14:03:28 -0500 Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I miss openly calling for the natural death of Bob Hope during all > > those years when it was time for him to go. > > > > Do you guys like Pat Sajak? > > Er, he's not old and lingering, is he? He will be. I'm planning ahead for the day when Pat Sajak is a hundred and fifty and still hosting that stupid show where people try to figure out what letters Vanna White is pushing little buttons next to in phrases like "MICHA_L AND J_SS_ JACKSON". -- K. Now, if _they_ died the same day because of that "SAME NAME" puzzle, that might grant Pat Sajak a reprieve... I'm not sure what Bob Barker would have to do, though. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bob Hope's been dead about a year and a half, so... Date: Sat, 27 Nov 2004 22:38:39 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I miss openly calling for the natural death of Bob Hope during all > > those years when it was time for him to go. > > > > Do you guys like Pat Sajak? > > It's not clearly his time to go yet. Okay, that makes it official, Pat Sajak's the one I'm rooting for. Because someone has to! And it wouldn't be any fun unless someone didn't want Pat Sajak to slip and fall into that big wheel that awards prizes as it grinds bodies into White Castle-quality hamburger! > (His hair, in a perfect plastic trifecta, seems to have already > given up the ghost.) I think "three equal Frisbees" was how Zippy The Pinhead described Pat Sajak's hair. I would say that hair is the answer to the riddle "What has two parts but is in three parts?" > > -- K. > > Arthur C. Clarke? > > Gary Coleman? > > Mmm, no. And I think no. Will Wheaton's more annoying than Gary, right? TV's heterosexual Wil Wheaton is not annoying, and if it weren't for him "Star Trek" would be over forever, because without his character the Enterprise would have been destroyed in episodes #1, #3, #4, #9, #12, #13, #14, #15, #16 (part 1), #16 (part 2), #19, #21, #22, #24, and #27 through #91. You're just jealous because his blog has more naked photos of Diana Muldaur than yours does. -- K. ...something something something DINK EXTRACT! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Lava lamp go boom Date: Tue, 30 Nov 2004 14:10:03 -0500 [from edition.cnn.com] -> -> Lava lamp left on hot stovetop explodes, killing man -> -> KENT, Washington (AP) -- A man who placed a lava lamp on a hot -> stovetop was killed when it exploded and sent a shard of glass -> into his heart, police said. -> -> Philip Quinn, 24, was found dead in his trailer home Sunday night -> by his parents. -> -> "Why on earth he was heating a lava lamp on the stove, we don't know," -> Kent Police spokesman Paul Petersen said Monday. He probably wanted it to go faster. I hear that if you use a blowtorch you can get the lava to go up and down so fast it makes the world's most psychedelic sonic boom. Either that or he was cooking it for dinner. -> After the lamp exploded, Quinn apparently stumbled into his bedroom, -> where he died Sunday afternoon, authorities said. -> -> Police found no evidence of drug or alcohol use. Lava lamps are now _not_ evidence of drug use? Also, dear reporter person, why haven't you told us what color it was? This is important. If it was one of the ones with black lava in it, he must've been a Satan worshipper, which would mean that video games caused this tragedy. On the other hand, if it was red lava, then he was just a moron. -- K. How come they never had lava lamps on "The Flintstones"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Yo "Kevins" (was Re: Steak Dinner) Date: Tue, 30 Nov 2004 14:24:06 -0500 Glitter Ninja (stacia@xmission.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) writes: > > > > You ask to much of someone unable to navigate a web site. > ^^ > > Flame. Flame! Flameflame. Little troll. Some snarliness. More > flame. Bitchy argument liberally sprinkled with the terms "grammar > whore", "spelling Nazi" and "bored hausfrau". Complaint about where I put > my punctuation. I suggest better storage location for punctuation. Hurt > feelings. Tears shed. I remember when Mark-Jason Dominus did that. Actually, it wasn't a shed, it was the RPI Union building, and he didn't just tear it, he cut it all the way in half. Most of it's still there if you want to go look because I know you don't believe me but he did. It was the same day he ate that old bowling ball to get into the Local Guinness Book, before the phone company stopped publishing that edition. -- K. I would've put the line breaks after "snarliness" and "terms" to make them more natural. You shouldn't put one in the middle of a two-word quoted phrase. That's like hyphenating a two-letter word. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Eat. Date: Tue, 30 Nov 2004 14:39:44 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > > > Before I read this posting I only thought that a vegan was a person from > > Vega, but now I've found that vegan also means that you are a vegetarian. > > I'm one but I eat fish from unpolluted water. > > I'm a vegan, too, except I eat meat. That's exactly how I feel, because of my whole problem with cheese making me ill. Often I buy frozen vegan food and then I add bacon, plus a whole bunch of hot sauce because vegan food never has enough flavor. A lot of people can't remember my food sensitivity and keep trying to feed me stuff with cheese in it. To help them understand, I typically glower at them and say "Pretend I'm kosher and all I have is a fleischig plate," and that usually shuts them up especially because of the way I pronounce the "g" in "fleischig". -- K. I only eat fish in rectangular, triangular, or circular form, never icky asymmetrical fish.